i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
