if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
