i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
