Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
