People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
