What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
