I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
