I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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