How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
