dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
