There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he thought i was a dude.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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