I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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