Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
