im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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