i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
