checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
