first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
