this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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