She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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