could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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