So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
