One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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