Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
