If i could tip my vagina, i would.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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