On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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