The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
