all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
