We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
