is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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