I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
