Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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