My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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