do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
