I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
