she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
