i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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