hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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