Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
