The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize