Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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