Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
