Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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