How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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