Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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