apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
