apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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