i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
