He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
