There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
