My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
