I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he thought i was a dude.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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