you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
All I want is dick and wine.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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