I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
