Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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