I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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