Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
