I accidentally had phone sex last night
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
